Joy!
It took me almost a lifetime to feel it, but I'm ready to share the formula that got me there.
OK, I’m not quite as joyful as the man in the illustration, nor as young, nor as good-looking, nor nearly as hairy. But none of those things are needed for a deep sense of joy, and that’s what I’m talking about.
Something more like this:
It took me roughly three-quarters of a century, but I now live 24/7 in a state of deep joy. And I used to be a life-is-shit-and-then-you-die kind of person. When it came, the change was sudden. I’ll get to that moment, but as Vajrayana Buddhist practitioners should know, the preliminaries are the most important part. For me, they were decades of Buddhism and psychotherapy. But maybe it won’t take you as long.
After 30 years in the relative safety of mindfulness-oriented practice, in January 2016, I took a leap into Vajrayana, the form of Buddhism closely associated with the culture of Tibet. I say “took a leap” because I had considered Vajrayana Buddhism too esoteric, too ritualistic, and too certain of literal reincarnation for my taste. That changed over the next few years in part because of my teachers but especially because of the sangha, the Sanskrit word for the community of practitioners.
In a famous Buddhist story, Ananda, the Buddha’s cousin and primary helper, tells him: “I think spiritual friendship, sangha, is half the spiritual path.” The Buddha replies: “No, Ananda. Spiritual friendship is the whole way.”
The next step on my road to deep joy came in 2019 or 2020 when I let go of my ego. That sounds severe, but I’m referring to the grasping ego — the need to be recognized, liked, respected, and “special,” the need to stand out from the crowd. I realized that I was never going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, get a standing ovation in Shea Stadium, or even earn a Pulitzer. I grew a lot closer to non-duality — fully recognizing that we are all so interconnected that we truly are one.
Even if you did win the Nobel Peace Prize, letting go of your ego is a prerequisite for living in pure joy.
In 2022, my wife Carol and I found a sangha that meets for an hour every morning via Zoom. Started by California students of Lama Surya Das, the group includes mostly Vajrayana Buddhists who meditate, chant, and pray together for an hour a day. Carol and I quickly became regulars and found a warm, loving group of spiritual friends logging on from all across North America.
[Lama Surya was the teacher who introduced me to Vajrayana, for which I’m eternally grateful. When wearing robes and spreading the wisdom that he gained over decades with Asian masters, he's Lama Surya Das, and at other times, he’s Jeffrey Miller, who grew up in a Jewish family living in Brooklyn and Long Island. He still has a distinctly New York accent. I grew up in a Jewish family living in Philadelphia, so Lama Surya was a good match to get me over my Vajrayana phobia. As Lama Surya likes to say: “If I can do it, anyone can.”]
In early 2023, I began the daily practice that brought me to deep joy. It’s called Nectar of the Path, composed by another one of my teachers, Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. Part of it involves reflecting on the Four Thoughts that Turn the Mind to the Dharma.1 Here’s each of them, quoted from the liturgy, with comments from me:
Seeing its many wonderful qualities, I rejoice and delight in this human life.
From a Vajrayana Buddhist perspective, a human life is a rare opportunity to reach Enlightenment, but that’s not what I reflect on here. I realize how much I enjoy taking in that tree outside my window, watching the loving family across the street, the chickens crossing the road (yes, they do that here, but don’t ask me why) — all the simple things, not to mention my love for my wife, our son, the rest of our family, and for my teachers and sangha.
Like waves in the ocean, all things are impermanent. I will accept whatever happens and make it my friend.
At some point early in life, we all learn intellectually about impermanence. But Buddhist practice is to absorb that understanding deeply. Of course, we’ll mourn when a loved one dies and be saddened when the old tree in our yard needs to be replaced, but if we go through life expecting everything to stay the same, we’ll go through life in a state of constant disappointment and dissatisfaction.
You’re likely to balk at the last four words, but I can attest that every misfortune in my life has made me a better, wiser, more compassionate person. That’s what those words mean.
When causes and conditions come together, a result is sure to follow, So I will do my best to help others and engage in positive deeds.
The word is not used in these two lines, maybe because it is so often misused, but this is the real Buddhist meaning of karma. Everything that happens is a result of causes and conditions, and everything we do contributes to causes and conditions. As I’ve said in previous posts (here and here for more details), I believe all people and things are connected in a sea or field of quantum particles, but the law of cause and effect applies even if I’m wrong about that.
The suffering of beings is mainly produced by the mind. I must free myself from my self-created bonds.
Notice the words “mainly” in the first line and “self-created” in the second. I’m sorry to break this to you, but practicing Buddhism will not eliminate all your suffering. You won’t completely escape the suffering of pain and illness. You’ll suffer when a loved one dies. Maybe you’ll suffer less if you accept the inevitability of such events, but you will suffer. The self-created bonds referred to here are a bit different.
Those bonds are attachments to our wants and our don’t-wants. We humans tend to think that a new car, a new job, a promotion, a new home, or a new love interest will make us happy. If we don’t get what we want, we’re crushed. If we do, we feel some relief for a while but then start craving the next thing. On the other hand, we may believe that getting rid of a burden will make us happy and then find relief but not happiness.
Human nature has not changed since Siddhartha Gautama sat under that bodhi tree 2,500 years ago and became the Buddha.
My magic moment of becoming full-time joyful came almost immediately when I began practicing Nectar of the Path daily. There’s more to the liturgy than the Four Thoughts, but reflecting on those daily, especially the first one, transformed my attitude. As Mingyur Rinpoche says: When you love the world, the world loves you back.
I have no way to assess how much the preparation contributed to the realization, except for the one firm prerequisite: letting go of your ego.
I continue to practice the Nature of the Path liturgy daily, alongside the hour I spend meditating and praying with friends over Zoom, and often find other opportunities throughout the day to meditate and pray. I attend numerous retreats with Buddhist teachers and read a lot about the faith.
And I enjoy every moment of it.
Whatever your faith is, I hope my words help you find deep, abiding joy.
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“Dharma“ is a Sanskrit word used in several Eastern religions. In Buddhism, it refers to the teachings of the Buddha or simply the way the world works.