Self-Grasping and Self-Cherishing
There's a big difference
The overall Buddhist approach seems to be cultivating a balanced, compassionate relationship with oneself—neither indulging the ego nor harshly rejecting it, but relating to it with wisdom and care as part of the path to liberation. The goal is to loosen attachment to a fixed sense of self rather than to destroy the self entirely.
I didn’t cite an author for the quotation above. It was written by my research assistant, whom I used to call A.I. but will now name fully—Perplexity. When I ask Perplexity to find quotations on a topic, I have to be careful about the source, as I’d have to be with any A.I. assistant. The good news with Perplexity is that it does cite the source. So, when it recently used the article 100 Inspiring Buddha Quotes to Bring You Peace, Love, and Positivity in Life from Women’s Day, I didn’t need to access my inner wisdom to be skeptical.
But Perplexity excels at understanding concepts. Today, I asked for quotations from Buddhist teachers about “cherishing the ego or the self.” I didn’t ask for more than that, but it returned quotations along with this introduction:
While Buddhism generally teaches non-attachment to the self, there are some nuanced perspectives from Buddhist teachers on relating skillfully to the ego or sense of self.
At the bottom of Perplexity’s list of mostly useless quotations, it concluded its reply with the paragraph I used at the top of this post. That summarizes what I planned to say with this post, but if you care to read on, I’ll elaborate.
(By the way, I also have an assistant in charge of illustrations, one who edits photos (both identified in the illustration caption below), and an assistant called iStock who provides photographs and permission to use them.)
One of my teachers (I forget which one) distinguishes between self-grasping and self-cherishing. Self-grasping sounds like what I gave up four or five years ago when, as I describe it, I let go of my ego. Self-grasping is:
Seeing yourself as different from the others.
Putting your needs first.
Putting your wants first.
Doing and saying things to be noticed.
Asking a question to impress others with your grasp of a subject.
Asking a question to get noticed.
Longing to be singled out for praise or a leadership role.
Donating to a charity to get your name on an honors list.
Volunteering for a charity to win an award.
Caring more about being recognized than about the impact of the good that you do.
If we put our minds together, we could add thousands more items to the list. That’s because our egos never tire in their effort to reinforce the concept that we are different from others. That’s the self-grasping that wants us to forget how we are all one, or at least so interconnected that we may as well be one.
The idea of interdependence is central to Buddhism, which holds that all things come into being through the mutual interactions of various causes and conditions. —Daisaku Ikeda (1928–2023)
And from the Stoics:
All things are linked with one another, and this oneness is sacred; there is nothing that is not interconnected with everything else. For things are interdependent, and they combine to form this universal order. —Marcus Aurelius (121-180)
You may know the metaphor of Indra’s Net found in Eastern religious teachings.
Imagine an infinitely large net surrounding the universe. At every vertex of the strands is a clear, mirror-like jewel that reflects every other jewel in the net.
That’s a helpful way to visualize interconnectedness—less complicated, perhaps, than the many words needed to describe it. It’s also a good transition from self-grasping, which we’d like to stop, to self-cherishing, which we want to encourage.
How can we cherish others and encourage them to cherish themselves if we don’t cherish ourselves?
Think of self-cherishing as how you can contribute to your jewel in Indra’s Net; nothing else needs to be said.
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blessed 🙌☸️🙏