Learning from Caregiving

...or how an ice-water-circulating machine became my teacher

In the reader survey I offered a while back, this response to the what-you-like-most question has stuck with me:

…I've liked reading of the thoughts and experiences of a regular, intelligent, in-the-world person who has had years of practice in Buddhism.

That response alerted me to how Buddhism can seem so out there, and it suggested that I shouldn’t be shy about including examples from my lived experience. So, I’ll share something of a current challenge I’m greeting and making my friend and teacher.

To repeat a quotation that I’ve used before:

Like waves in the ocean, all things are impermanent.
I will accept whatever happens and make it my friend.

That’s taken from the Nectar of the Path liturgy written by my teacher, Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, which is part of my daily practice. We not only accept whatever comes our way but greet it like a new friend. Often, we learn from our biggest challenges.

At 78, the challenges I’ve met and learned from include five hip replacements (Don’t ask!) and one shoulder replacement. Along with the range of other ailments common to men my age, I’m anything but spry. I often use a cane and sometimes a motorized wheelchair. Without the wheelchair, I’d have a tough time winning a race with a turtle.

My wife, Carol, is five years younger and much healthier and more flexible, but on Tuesday, November 5, her left knee was replaced. All of my joint replacement surgeries had been with older techniques, and I had heard such good things about the newer technology that I was not concerned about my ability to be her caregiver.

I had failed to understand that although the surgery is quicker and safer now, the recovery is still slow and difficult. Being Carol’s caregiver has been much more demanding than I realized it would be. Here’s another quotation from my daily practice, this one from the Eight Verses on Mind Training:

With the wish to achieve the highest aim,
Which surpasses even a wish-fulfilling gem,
I will train myself to at all times
Cherish every sentient being as supreme.

With a spouse who is incapacitated and in pain, it’s not difficult to cherish her as supreme, at least most of the time. So, my first thought in the morning is to anticipate her needs, beginning with making sure the Breg Polar Care® Cube™ is ready for use.

The device in the photo above doesn’t appear very demanding, but in my mind, it has the characteristics of Hades, who condemned Sisyphus to roll a huge boulder endlessly up a steep hill. The infernal device must be filled with ice and water in a certain way to circulate cooling liquid around Carol’s knee. To be fair to the Breg company, a younger and healthier man would have far less trouble buying and transporting ice and bending, lifting, bending, lifting, breaking up fused clumps of ice, bending, lifting, lugging, and so on.

Once I have the ice device in shape, I make sure Carol has coffee and breakfast available and gets to her physical therapy appointments. In the gaps between those actions, I get dressed for the day, make my coffee, check my email and Substack, and maybe have time for a shower. Her needs, of course, come first throughout the day.

I can’t say that I always succeed, however, at cherishing her as supreme when she starts directing my movements and telling me what’s obvious, like, “The milk on the counter needs to be put away.” That’s where another one of the Eight Verses comes in:

In my every action, I will watch my mind,
And the moment destructive emotions arise,
I will confront them strongly and avert them,
Since they will hurt both me and others.

I’ll admit to not always catching my annoyance before I say something abrupt, but my nature-of-mind practice in recent years—remaining aware of my thoughts and emotions—has greatly improved my ability to catch the “destructive emotions” soon after they arise and letting them go their not-so-merry way.

So, my mood has seldom slipped from its usual positive state as I’ve made friends with and learned from Carol’s recovery—Breg device, shopping trips, household chores, driving duties, and all. But I will ask you to join me in this obstacle-clearing prayer to Padmasambhava to clear the path for her very speedy recovery:

Precious guru, embodiment of all buddhas of the three times;
Great bliss, the lord of all accomplishments;
Wrathful power, who dispels all hindrances and subdues demons;
Pray bestow your blessings.
Please remove the outer, inner, and secret obstacles and grant your blessings to accomplish wishes spontaneously.

OM AH HUM VAJRA GURU PÄDMA SIDDHI HUM

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